This Is Not What You Think It Is

This is not a post about getting comments.

This is not a post about feeling bad about myself.

Or getting compliments.  Or forcing my opinions down your throat.

But it is a post about what's been running through my head lately.  So it's ok if you don't want to read anymore.  I won't be offended.  

Lately I've been thinking a lot about myself.  About my goals.  About my person.  About the way I move through the world.

Almost always when I start thinking about myself, I start thinking about my weight.  I have a long history of hating myself because of my weight.  But recently I've started to realize that I just can't hate myself about it anymore.  I can validate the feeling within myself - acknowledge that it's there.  But then I have to move on, because hating myself won't make anything better.  It's a waste of my time and it makes me feel bitter and angry.  And I don't want to live my life feeling that way.

But you know what all that self-hate does, right?  It makes the world full of hate!  Full of it!  I don't want to live in a world full of self-hate.  Self-hate generates hurtful comments, violence, drug problems, the whole nine yards.  Of course, I haven't taken any surveys or anything to check the validity of that last statement, but I'd be willing to bet that self-hate is at least part of nearly every problem people face today.  Kids who love themselves don't bring guns to school and shot their classmates.

So what would happen if we just loved ourselves?  What would happen if we just realized that everyone is made to be different and beautiful and unique?  

I'm trying really hard to love myself and love the people around me.  Admittedly it's a lot easier to love people when they are behaving well.  I certainly love myself more when I look nice, or have a nice hair day, or get a compliment.  But my husband loves me for all of that AND when I'm full of piss and vinegar.  He loves me when I'm messy, when I'm dirty, when I'm mean, when I yell.  I love him when he's all of those things too.  Because we love all the parts of each other.  And it's pretty amazing.

But I don't always love my friends, my coworkers, my boss, my neighbors or even that total stranger that cut me off on the highway today.  Realistically I can't love all people all the time.  But I can approach situations differently - I can start to realize that other people have bad days, have bad attitudes, didn't get any love as children, or whatever the case may be.  

Will it be easy?  Nope.

Will I be successful all the time?  Hardly.

Am I going to try? You betcha.  

Realizing that I'm turning 30 this year has really prompted me to start acting more like a grown-up.  I've spent a lot of time recently getting things taken care of.  I've started seeing a Spiritual Advisor and he is going to help me figure out what God is asking me to do.  I think it's fabulous.  I'm really ready to move on to this next chapter of my life.  The chapter where I really start to love myself and move throughout the world in a calmer, less frantic and sporadic way.  

And to maybe start to feel less guilty about eating a cupcake.  Or six.