{lost/gained: +1}

i knew this wasn't going to be easy

it's a long road to walk

a hard patch to hoe

but my weight loss isn't going how i want it to

waaaa

{that's my whine voice}

i've been stuck at the 38/37 pounds lost mark

i'm all but killing myself to try and reach 40 pounds lost

god knows i'll get there

someday

and then i want to loose another 15 on top of that!

good grief.

so, i'm feeling a bit defeated right now

i've gained and lost the same 2 pounds for 5 weeks

give or take

i knew this wasn't going to be easy

i didn't expect it to be be

but i also didn't expect the first 30 pounds to come off so... 

easily?

seemingly without effort?

i know i need to exercise more

{except that i'm already walking nearly an hour every day}

and stop eating 1/4 of a cake every night

it's been a real problem lately

so i'm just at a stalemate right now

a place of maintaining

kind of

and while i know this happens to every person on this journey

and, truthfully, i was expecting it

but i'm still feeling defeated

i don't want advice

i don't want sympathy

frankly, i want a hug

but more, i want to be ok with what i've done so far

because i've accomplished something amazing

i've lost nearly 20% of my starting body weight

and i'm really liking how i look lately

but i don't like that i'm down on myself

{jokes on me, I guess}

First - you have until tonight to contact me if you won my giveaway!  Please contact me!  I don't want to pick another winner!  Go HERE to find out if you won!

Mother Nature and I are having a little argument.  You see... two weeks ago it was positively glorious outside.  Spring had sprung {as they say} and the temperatures soared into the 80s with bright blue skies and puffy white clouds.

And then last week happened, and it rained EVERY SINGLE DAY.

And then yesterday happened, when there was frost on the ground!
Frost!

So much so that it resulted in this:

I posted this picture on instagram yesterday - Mikey had to take in all my flowers for fear that they would be burned by the frost overnight.  So my house looks like a flower shop exploded on my kitchen table.  Pretty, but...

Since it's Springtime I wanted to bring a little happiness to the office.  Meet Ferdinand - he came home with me last weekend:

Isn't he just the cutest??!?  I love him.  I stroke his fuzzy leaves every day at work.  And no, that's not creepy in the least.

But, dear Mother Nature, can we get rid of this March style weather and bring back May?  Please??

{determined}

First - did you win my giveaway? Go HERE to find out, because you have until tomorrow to e-mail me.  If I don't hear from you, I'll be picking another winner and you don't want to miss out on this mystery box of fun!

This week I am determined to be happier then last week. Last week a dark cloud was certainly hanging over me, showering me with negativity and doubt. I refuse to allow that cloud to continue taking up valuable real estate in my life without, at the very least, paying any rent!

And I don't want to dwell on all the badness that happened because that's not what this is about. This is about my determination to have a better week, despite a proclivity I have towards the negative.

Little Susie Sunshine, I am not. But I really do try hard not to be a Debbie Downer either.

{it helps if you can laugh at yourself. let's be honest, that's pretty funny...}

So even though last week was pretty epic, I did manage to learn some things about myself and the people around me.  I thought I'd share what I've learned...

1. When you are crabby at your job {well, maybe it's just my job} your boss & his wife will approach you and ask leading and terribly awkward questions about your personal life to find out why you are crabby.  Holy invasive!  And... none of their business....

2. While making big financial decisions fills me with anxiety and fear, having deeply meaningful conversations with my husband makes me feel better.  And even when we were discussing our big financial decisions, and they weren't pleasant conversations the whole time, we have become closer and our relationship is deeper.

3. I have the greatest friends ever - the friends that recognize that I'm crabby and love me anyway.

4. Sometimes the only thing you need for a total attitude adjustment is a trip to Good Will, Mexican food date night and frozen yogurt.  Although, in hind sight, I'm pretty sure the froyo made me so sick it felt like the world was falling out of my bum.

5. That trip to Good Will resulted in 3 new pairs of jeans, for less then $40.  And... two pairs in size 12, a size I haven't worn since High School... that was at least 13 years ago...

6. Sometimes it's important to have big cry fests and heart to hearts with your parents.  And sometimes it's ok to totally ignore their advice. 

{did you win?}

We have a winner!! If its you, send me an email, by Tuesday, to margaretbreen97{at}gmail{dot}com with your address and I'll send your mystery box to you!! If I don't hear from you I will pick another winner.

You will have to go back to the giveaway post since I can't get the widget into this new post with my iPad. :(

Thanks to everyone who participated! And hello to my new followers! Can't wait to get to know you better.

{my favorite things: giveaway}

Lately there's been a spike in my audience, which is extra super duper exciting.
{holy hell - when did I become a cheerleader?}
In all seriousness though, I'm excited to be reaching more of the blog-o-sphere! So...

I'm hosting a giveaway to for my followers!  

100 GFC followers is a pretty big deal.

{triple digits!}

{your prize might look something like this}

Here are the particulars you might want to know:
1. It's going to be a mystery prize - a box full of my favorite things! =)
Basically this means I'm going to go all cray-cray at Target.
And maybe a few other nice stores.

2. I'll ship anywhere on the planet.  Except maybe the bottom of the ocean.
But, seriously, if you're a mermaid or something... how're you getting internet down there?

3. This will be a rafflecopter giveaway.
It's my first time.




a Rafflecopter giveaway

{lost/gained: - 1.6}

Good news: I've lost another 1.6 pounds.  If I can loose another 1.6 next week I'll make it to a total of 40 pounds lost.  That makes me crazy happy.  Also, I've noticed more and more of my clothes not fitting - in fact, there's a safety pin holding my skirt on my body today.

Something kind of weird happened at the meeting yesterday.  I don't usually {and I try really hard not to} get on my soap box during meetings.  I'll share my experiences or my victories or whatever, but I try not to be political at meetings.  But yesterday I did.  I got on my soap box for a good 5 minutes, and I think I blistered some ears.

You see, someone said something that I feel is a total lie.  A members said "it's expensive to eat healthy".  So I called her out on what I felt was a lie.  I understand that grocery prices vary upon your location, and if you live in Alaska or Hawaii you're probably never going to find cheaper groceries.  But I live in Connecticut, a historically pricey town full of people that have completely bought into the whole "I only shop at Whole Foods and buy organic everything and I'm totally gluten free too" concept.  A quickly becoming normal cultural idea, I'm afraid.

Look, buying healthy food doesn't have to be more expensive.  It certainly will be if you are purchasing all of your groceries from Whole Foods, only buying organic, have to have name brands and frequent the local farmers markets.  But buying groceries on a budget is about the choices you make. 

I know some of you are shaking your heads right now.  But let me tell you something, when Michael was unemployed I spent $100 a month on groceries to feed my family.  And that was it.  If I spent over the $100 it was because I needed to buy dog food, cleaning supplies, or paper products.  But it is possible to feed your family healthy meals without spending $200 every time you go to the store.

But you have to plan.  You have to make choices.  And you have to be willing to spend some time getting this done.  If you have a family bigger then 2, you'll have to spend more money.  And that's cool.  I'm not promoting only spending $100 a month on food.  Lord knows I spend more then that now that we are both employed and actually have money.  But I'm careful.

I clip coupons.  I shop at the 'cheaper stores' like Wal-Mart, Price Right and Aldis.  Because that's what's available in my area.  Sure, I could shop at Whole Foods, Stop & Shop, or Big Y, but my dollars don't go as far there.  Also, I don't feed my family organic produce on a regular basis.  Because I can't afford to.  I do shell out a couple hundred dollars every year to buy into a local CSA and I do, once in a while, drop $50+ at the local farmers market.  But those are choices I make because I want to support local people who are stewarding the Earth in a way that I agree with.

I also utilize my freezer, buy things when they are on sale, and borderline exploit people who are willing to give me stuff for free.  For instance, any leftovers a dinner makes either get eaten for lunches or put into the freezer for meals at a later time.  I buy a large pack of chicken breasts and I'll portion them out and freeze them.  And I have two different families that are local that give me eggs.  For free.  I also barter with friends and family for garden items - my squash for your garlic, or whatever.

Here's what I never buy: I never buy pasta, cookies, packaged foods, convenience foods, etc.  I only buy bread because my husband eats sandwiches.  If you looked into my grocery cart on any given week you'd see primarily produce and a little bit of meat.  Maybe a jar of pickles.  Or a gallon of vinegar {it's great in laundry, salad dressing, natural cleaning product, etc}. 

Here's how I shop and keep myself on a budget:
1. I plan all of my meals ahead. 
2. I write out all of my ingredients that I need, check my pantry to see if I already have the items, and then check for coupons/sales fliers.
3. I take a calculator with me.
4. I take cash to the grocery store.

These things help me stay on budget.  And I don't mind going to 2-4 different stores to get what I need.  I can't even complain about the gas cost differential because the 4 stores that I shop at are within a 5 mile radius or so. 

I'm not trying to preach to you.  Well, not much any way.  But I refuse to believe that it's more expensive to eat healthy.  It doesn't have to be.  You totally can feed yourself and your family on a budget, and not have to rely on packaged and processed foods to do it.  And just don't get me started on the fresh vs. frozen produce debate.  It'll get ugly.

What do you think?

{abbey reflections}

So this past weekend I went to the Abbey of Regina Laudis again.  I go there, if I'm lucky, a few times a year for a few days at a time.  Someday I'd really like to go for a week or two.  This place, this amazing place, is very dear to my heart.

You can google the abbey and see their webpage and get some historical information.  But, in case you were wondering, the abbey is a Benedictine Monastery and working farm on just under 400 acres of land in Connecticut.  They are a cloistered community, meaning that they rarely leave the Monastery.  Also, they are the only one of this kind in the entire USA.  They have sheep, dairy cows, beef cows, dogs, cats, birds, a llama and a donkey.  They have gardens stretching as far as the eye can see.  They have a beautiful church and a charming chapel.  They are also currently in the middle of a huge renovation project, which will help to bring their facilities up to code, make room for new women that want to join, and expand their efforts.

The Benedictine motto is work and pray.  They attend 6 {maybe more} offices a day - church services where they sing everything in Latin, the traditional Gregorian Chant.  They observe 3 areas of silence in their community - usually at meal times.  They have two sessions of 'work', one in the morning after Mass and one in the afternoon after lunch.  They are very hospitable and welcome all visitors.

While I'm there I never take pictures.  In fact, the only time I was even remotely connected to the outside world during my trip was when I would check my e-mail or call Michael at night.  I never checked Twitter or Instagram or any blogs.  And it felt awesome.

I'm still processing all that I experienced while I was there.  Each time I go I get a different experience, which is wonderful.  I was able to extend my experience into this week from my reflections.  Also, I bought the 'abbey movie' at their art shop.

Last year HBO produced a 36 minute documentary on the abbey - specifically focusing on Mother Prioress, also known as Mother Delores Hart or just Delores Hart before she came to the abbey.  Before she entered the community she was a very famous actress in Hollywood in the 50's and 60's, making many movies where she co-starred with Elvis.  {not even kidding}  The documentary is called "God is the Bigger Elvis" and I strongly suggest you take a look at it if you can.

I cried throughout the whole thing.  And I kept pausing it to point out the sisters I have met and what their jobs are.  I plan on re-watching it many times.

{faithful friday #10}

I'm out of town this week, but I'll be back on Monday!

It's time again for me to give thanks for the many blessings of my life.  This week they are certainly not limited to the following:

*a husband that cooks dinner & pours the wine
*lunch money from the boss while he's on vacation
*a weekend of quiet reflection at the Abbey
*a 4 week hiatus from concert band
*new glasses
*my mothers' cast off clothing - all a size smaller then I'm wearing now

What are you thankful for this week?

{overwhelmed & thankful}

If you've been following my twitter feed lately you might have noticed that I've been a wee bit stressed.
I mean, crazy stressed and overwhelmed.
So much so that it's starting to be about the only thing I can think about.
{not cool}

I'm pretty sure this post is less cohesive then I'd like, but I need to get this out.
Maybe if I can write it all down I can stop thinking about it.
Obsessing, really.

Here's a list of the things that are overwhelming me right now.
And, at the end of each item is something I'm thankful for that has come out of it.

{an old picture, but a good game face.}

  1. Boston. Lord knows all we've heard about on the news is the tragedy in Boston, and I've been quiet on here about it because it's something I'm choosing not to talk about.  But it has affected me deeply - so much so that I've spent the majority of last week weeping and being angry at the world.  What hit me the hardest about this whole thing is that less then two weeks prior to the bombing I was there.  Right there, where the bombs went off - with a group of middle and high school students.  This shook me in the same way that 9/11 did - when my husband had to be at ground zero for work after it happened. But letting myself become obsessed with the terrible news means that the terrorists have won - if all I'm thinking about is them, then they've won.  And I'm not doing it anymore. I'm thankful for all the public service workers, volunteers, and average people that helped save lives that day.  And continue to do so.

2. Bills.  I work hard on not focusing on money because it makes me edgy and anxious and I don't like those feelings. But the truth is my feelings are being held hostage right now by anxiety and fear.  I feel like I can't get ahead with my bills, I feel like I'm never going to be out of debt.  These things aren't true.  Granted, I'm carrying around a lot of debit - 2 credit cards in Mike's name, 4 in mine, 3 car loans, a student loan, and a home equity loan.  I don't have near the amount of money in the bank that I'd like to have.  But, I'm not living in my car.  I'm thankful that Mike & I have jobs, have enough money to go out for pizza once in a while, and that we don't have to try and live in my little VW Beetle - not enough room for 2 grown ups, a pit bull and a handful of guppies.

3. Refinancing the house & taxes. Word on the street is interest rates are low low low for mortgages.  My mother in law, in her very kind way, has been kind of up my butt about refi-ing the house.  When we refi we can roll the HELOC {home equity loan} into it and save some money.  Kinda of - it's one of those savings on paper only and the checkbook isn't going to notice.  So, the bottom line is we need to do this.  But we need to scrape up $500 for an appraisal. And we don't have any extra money {feeling, not necessarily fact} because we owe the government taxes for 2012.  I am thankful for a MIL that is kind enough to help us when we need help, because without her we might have to move into the beetle.

4. Car. Yesterday, right before I was leaving for my WW meeting, my car battery died.  Just decided that it didn't want to work anymore.  On top of that, the car has a leak somewhere so there is a lovely puddle of standing water on the drivers' side front and back floor.  And it's becoming very clear that my car isn't going to make it to the 10 year mark like I was hoping.  I am thankful for AAA, who came out and determined that it was, in fact, my battery that died.  I am thankful that when my car decided to shit itself it did so in my driveway.  And I am most thankful for Michael, who ran all over creation to get me a new battery & installed it.  And made dinner.

5. Food choices. At WW yesterday I gained .6 pounds.  Which is nothing.  Really, I'm ok with it. But because I've been so stressed lately all my good eating habits have run away - there's been much too much pizza, beer, wine, cheese & crackers.  And the scale reminded me that I can't eat that way anymore and expect to see results.  I am thankful that I've lost nearly 40 pounds, making me a healthier person then I was 9 months ago.

So there you have it.  And, just because you read through this entire piece of punishment I'm going to reward you with another picture.  This time, of my new glasses! =)  What do you think?

{new glasses from glassesusa!}

{god's mission: conference}

On Saturday I had the opportunity to go to a conference being held by the diocese of the Episcopal church of Connecticut.  It was held at the local Catholic high school, which I found amusing, and proved to be very well thought out and organized.

Within the Episcopal Church, there has been a big movement on discovering what God's Mission is and how we are to support it in our churches and communities.  That goal being the foundation for this conference, attendees were able to pick various workshops that we could attend.  Given that this was only running for one day, we were able to choose two workshops and everyone attended the Plenary Session with the key note address.

I decided to sit in a Vestry 101 workshop and an Evangelism workshop.  The vestry one proved less then stimulating, though I can see how it would have been educational for people who have no experience sitting on a vestry.  I'm in my 6th year of vestry experience, so I didn't get a real lot out of it.  The evangelism workshop - holy moly was that amazing!  But even better then that workshop was the key not address.  I want to share two YouTube videos that the speaker shared with us.  Both of which I found amazing.

The first talks about a Missionary Church and the difference between marketing to bring people into your building and focusing more on spreading the word to our communities.

The second is about discipleship and how we need to get out of our buildings more and into the community more.  See a trend here? 

After sitting through the key note and then the evangelism workshop it's safe to say I'm pretty much on fire to spread my story.  That's what we talked about in the evangelism workshop - that evangelism doesn't have to be the Billy Graham variety, or the knock on people's door variety.  It can just be the conversational telling of our stories to the people around us.  This ties in beautifully with my belief system - a belief that everyone who worships God worships the same God, even if he/she is called by a different name.  Evangelism can be done without the stigma of 'shoving it down someone's throat', which I'd venture to say is how a lot of us feel about that word. 

And I realized that I often share my story here.  I certainly don't expect someone who reads my blog to immediately go find themselves an Episcopal church to join.  Or any type of worship community, for that matter.  I have no expectations for my blog. I enjoy writing and I enjoy sharing my faith stories.  I want to encourage other people to share their faith stories.  I want to encourage an open communication between people about God.

It matters not me, not even in the slightest, what type of church you go to.  I go to the Episcopal church because (1) I was raised in it and (2) I like the way the services are run - I like the liturgy, the hymns, and the message I receive within that community.  That's why I go.  It's where I feel most comfortable as a religious setting.

At any rate, my experience at this conference was profound.  I'm still processing everything I've learned there.  But I do know that I need to share more of my faith with the people around here - in my physical community and here.  And I'd love to have a dialogue about faith with anyone who is interested.